Now this is just almost humorous writing on this blog again! But I did want to draw attention to my blog,

www.donttreadontruth.wordpress.com

To be brief, my new blog is well and PRIVATE just as my life is now. I have cut off all ties to Josh Opfar and his family. It didn't really matter much anyway, since he only wrote random emails to them on a birthday here or there (as if my kids have their own email accounts)... but thank heavens we are gone and done with that family.

This should be a fun year of exposing it all. Look for my book, coming SOON!!!

I started a new blog under "my" name again, and I think I'm ready now to just use that one and be done with this one. So, if you want to see that one it's

http://startingfreshwith4.blogspot.com/

Holidays are hard right now- Halloween was ROUGH, today nearly ended my life, and I can only imagine how crappily I will handle this Christmas, especially since I love this time of year so much... But all the memories are starting to pile up and it's getting harder to even picture how I'll possibly keep it together for my little ones. Anyway, so I figure eliminating typing "Lindsey.Opfar" as my email to log onto here will be one thing I can do for myself. I was waiting for the divorce to be final, but I guess there will always be something else to "wait" for. It's just sad, having used this blog for so long! Harry was so little! And now he's the big brother of almost 2 siblings. Oh well. Moving on. Right?

Could this be a better Thanksgiving? Um. Yes. At this point I'm not sure it could be worse! The kids are absolutely being horrible today. HORRIBLE. All 3. It's not as though we're doing the whole turkey & 25 side dishes, so it can't be blamed on the stress of my being in the kitchen all day. Why go through all of that for just us? Do I really want to remember this Thanksgiving? Uh- not so much. On top of them being awful & Ella being sick & screaming every 14 seconds, I am so crampy today. Obviously little baby boy is growing... and ohmygosh... ouch... And why not today? Right? Why not just pour salt on the wound of a day where usually family is together?! Why not just have this day be a big ball of suckiness from start to finish?
I just wish a big huge Turkey could fall from the sky & land right on top of the jerk who should be here helping me- who should be ACTUALLY caring about what I'm/we're going through- who, instead of writing a text to tell the kids Happy Thanksgiving, I love you! SHOULD ACTUALLY SHOW IT. Do I expect him to ask how I am, or be decent at all to me? Of course not. If you can crap on your family after 7 years, why should I expect basic decency?
And why, oh why, would I ever expect the kids to all behave at the same time when I have a HUGE burden right now?

Okay- sleep study's done. It actually went better than I expected. Thankfully Ella's sleeping pill calmed her down for her to sit there for all the placement of the 50 billion probes & wires! The dvd player they had set up for her helped, too. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but she slept better than she has in probably a month! I just hope they'll get all the info they'll need to figure this out. At around 3am-ish she woke up and started freaking out about the wires on her face & up her nose... so the technician came in & told me they got enough out of her for a good study & we could leave. Unfortunately that meant spending an hour taking all of the wires back off, then me filling out paperwork- which of course meant she was thrown WAY off her normal sleep cycle! We got home just after 5am. I'm not expecting to hear anything for a good 2 weeks, with Thanksgiving falling there in the middle of the 7-10 day normal time frame. We'll see!

It took me forever to get on here, but here's the spectacular gift basket Michelle left on our porch the other day. I could NOT stop the boys from tearing it apart long enough to take a picture (and the Mountain that once stood on the right was already taken out... hahaha), but I got most of it still in tact. The thoughtfulness that Michelle & everyone else has shown to the little ones & I has been quite shocking. Emails, calls, texts, comments, gifts... it's been the only thing that has helped to not just sit in the corner crying 50 hours a day (since that's how long days seem).

So, once again, Thank You.

It's a boy.

I've never cared either way with Lance, Harry & Ella. But finding out about this one I felt like one of those really awful selfish people, ready to yell out "NO!" when the lady confirmed everyone's suspicions.

Why?

The sorry excuse for a human being who donated sperm to create this child's mistress is also having a boy. Due at the same time. Fun. Seriously, I'm not sure I can handle us having anymore similarities. Down to our names, there's just not much more could have in common. Me & the trash he left me for, both having boys. Looks like he'll get to father one son, just not his own.

How fantastic.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. It's really bizarre to think that I'm already 1/2 way through this pregnancy. The first 3 never seemed to come soon enough... but this time I'm still in shock, wondering WHY it's going so fast. 20 weeks. Crazy. Seriously, seriously crazy. Scary crazy.

The doctor gave Ella another sleeping pill to try because the last one didn't do anything at all. It was almost to the point of being amusing- giving my 20 month old daughter a sleeping pill and still watching her cry & moan & scream all night long. The Prilosec didn't work, the drops for cramping didn't work, the benadryl didn't work & even though she obviously needed tubes for her ears, that didn't help her sleep any better. So, her sleep study is Saturday night at 8pm. I'm not exactly looking forward to it... but it should point the way as to what to do next.

If it really IS apnea from her tonsils then I will have to make a horrible decision- surgery or not? In just a few months I'll have a newborn- do I really want to deal with TWO children up all night? But then do I really want to put her through surgery when she's SO little, and it's such high risk?

Aaaaahhh. The joys of being a mother... a mother who gets to discuss whether or not to operate with... herself. (jerk) It's times like this when I hope & pray that in the end of time when all is made right- that the children's jerk father I married will feel all the guilt he should have felt this whole time, will understand the difficult time his little children have had & will realize how hard I had it. Wait- was I ranting about Ella's non-sleep or the one who ruined our lives? hmmm. woops.

Anyway! Ultrasound tomorrow. I think it's definitely either a boy or a girl.

THANK YOU!!!!! It took me forever & ever to finally get this darn picture on here, but it's here now! November 11 I got home from getting the kids from school & saw a big package on my doorstep. I assumed since Lance's birthday was the next day that maybe someone had ordered something for him, my sister or something. But when I cut the tape off the box & saw what was inside, I stood there frozen. All I could say was "Ohmygosh" over and over.

So, to Sara, Kelly, Michelle & Jennifer... thank you so much. The burden I felt about something so simple as a swing was lifted when I saw that sitting in it's cute little package. I still walk by it, 5 days later, and still feel just as overwhelmed with the generosity. It honestly is crazy to me how having that one thing makes me feel better about having this baby.

This has been the hardest experience of my life, wondering how to provide for 4 kids on my own. I just really, really, really appreciate the thoughtfulness of that gift. The feeling I had of losing my mind when I realized my last swing was gone, was completely replaced by awe. I hope I can do the same for someone else.

So here's my kiddos. Lance wanted me to take pictures of them for his special birthday poster all about himself for his birthday "circle" at school, . (He's such a sweet kid, he let Harry color all over it & when I said, "Harry, no!" He said, "no mom! He's helping me!" Not many kids would allow their little brother to scribble all over their project like that)

I went to their school to bring cupcakes & frosted cookies, & read to the kids while they ate- we read "Happy Birthday, Thomas" & "Diesel 10 Means Trouble". Lance had on a birthday crown and it was really cute & way too big... I had my camera, but like an idiot I left the battery charging at home on the counter. Ugh!








So then came after school time. I didn't put the pictures in order- first came their dad's visit, then came the rest of family & then cake. So the cake: Of course it had to be Thomas again. Maybe next year he'll discover something new, but for now he's all about Thomas still & fine with me! He was so bashful when we were all singing to him, I could have just squished him! And the joy kids get when they get to blow the candle out... who needs the wish?

Josh got Lance a "real" tool set & Harry got a "real fake" tool set. They had a nice visit. Sucked for me- perhaps the single most awkward experience of my life, & the longest 45 minutes EVER- but they were happy enough. So he left & everyone else came. We had pizza & soda & the sugar/dye filled cupcakes. yay! The event of the day was the worlds largest jeep that their Grandma Vianna got for them. Holy cow, I'm pretty sure I could ride that thing. It BARELY fit through the front door- and it squeezes down the hall. I'm thinking of moving all the furniture against the wall so he can really bust a move until we move.

It was a good day. Maybe at some point Lance will remember all of the "little" things I got him, too. hehehe. No big deal. As long as he had a good time. He sure deserves the best, the kid has had a hard life, especially now. He's had to grow up way too fast- he's my big boy helper & an amazing friend. I hope 6 will be a better year for him.