Making Time

2009-12-27T02:43:00.003-07:00

Now this is just almost humorous writing on this blog again! But I did want to draw attention to my blog,

www.donttreadontruth.wordpress.com

To be brief, my new blog is well and PRIVATE just as my life is now. I have cut off all ties to Josh Opfar and his family. It didn't really matter much anyway, since he only wrote random emails to them on a birthday here or there (as if my kids have their own email accounts)... but thank heavens we are gone and done with that family.

This should be a fun year of exposing it all. Look for my book, coming SOON!!!

2008-11-27T22:11:00.003-07:00

I started a new blog under "my" name again, and I think I'm ready now to just use that one and be done with this one. So, if you want to see that one it's

http://startingfreshwith4.blogspot.com/

Holidays are hard right now- Halloween was ROUGH, today nearly ended my life, and I can only imagine how crappily I will handle this Christmas, especially since I love this time of year so much... But all the memories are starting to pile up and it's getting harder to even picture how I'll possibly keep it together for my little ones. Anyway, so I figure eliminating typing "Lindsey.Opfar" as my email to log onto here will be one thing I can do for myself. I was waiting for the divorce to be final, but I guess there will always be something else to "wait" for. It's just sad, having used this blog for so long! Harry was so little! And now he's the big brother of almost 2 siblings. Oh well. Moving on. Right?

2008-11-27T14:02:00.002-07:00

Could this be a better Thanksgiving? Um. Yes. At this point I'm not sure it could be worse! The kids are absolutely being horrible today. HORRIBLE. All 3. It's not as though we're doing the whole turkey & 25 side dishes, so it can't be blamed on the stress of my being in the kitchen all day. Why go through all of that for just us? Do I really want to remember this Thanksgiving? Uh- not so much. On top of them being awful & Ella being sick & screaming every 14 seconds, I am so crampy today. Obviously little baby boy is growing... and ohmygosh... ouch... And why not today? Right? Why not just pour salt on the wound of a day where usually family is together?! Why not just have this day be a big ball of suckiness from start to finish?
I just wish a big huge Turkey could fall from the sky & land right on top of the jerk who should be here helping me- who should be ACTUALLY caring about what I'm/we're going through- who, instead of writing a text to tell the kids Happy Thanksgiving, I love you! SHOULD ACTUALLY SHOW IT. Do I expect him to ask how I am, or be decent at all to me? Of course not. If you can crap on your family after 7 years, why should I expect basic decency?
And why, oh why, would I ever expect the kids to all behave at the same time when I have a HUGE burden right now?

2008-11-23T11:51:00.002-07:00

Okay- sleep study's done. It actually went better than I expected. Thankfully Ella's sleeping pill calmed her down for her to sit there for all the placement of the 50 billion probes & wires! The dvd player they had set up for her helped, too. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but she slept better than she has in probably a month! I just hope they'll get all the info they'll need to figure this out. At around 3am-ish she woke up and started freaking out about the wires on her face & up her nose... so the technician came in & told me they got enough out of her for a good study & we could leave. Unfortunately that meant spending an hour taking all of the wires back off, then me filling out paperwork- which of course meant she was thrown WAY off her normal sleep cycle! We got home just after 5am. I'm not expecting to hear anything for a good 2 weeks, with Thanksgiving falling there in the middle of the 7-10 day normal time frame. We'll see!

2008-11-20T15:09:00.002-07:00

It took me forever to get on here, but here's the spectacular gift basket Michelle left on our porch the other day. I could NOT stop the boys from tearing it apart long enough to take a picture (and the Mountain that once stood on the right was already taken out... hahaha), but I got most of it still in tact. The thoughtfulness that Michelle & everyone else has shown to the little ones & I has been quite shocking. Emails, calls, texts, comments, gifts... it's been the only thing that has helped to not just sit in the corner crying 50 hours a day (since that's how long days seem).

So, once again, Thank You.

2008-11-20T11:06:00.002-07:00

It's a boy.

I've never cared either way with Lance, Harry & Ella. But finding out about this one I felt like one of those really awful selfish people, ready to yell out "NO!" when the lady confirmed everyone's suspicions.

Why?

The sorry excuse for a human being who donated sperm to create this child's mistress is also having a boy. Due at the same time. Fun. Seriously, I'm not sure I can handle us having anymore similarities. Down to our names, there's just not much more could have in common. Me & the trash he left me for, both having boys. Looks like he'll get to father one son, just not his own.

How fantastic.

2008-11-19T19:57:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow is the ultrasound. It's really bizarre to think that I'm already 1/2 way through this pregnancy. The first 3 never seemed to come soon enough... but this time I'm still in shock, wondering WHY it's going so fast. 20 weeks. Crazy. Seriously, seriously crazy. Scary crazy.

The doctor gave Ella another sleeping pill to try because the last one didn't do anything at all. It was almost to the point of being amusing- giving my 20 month old daughter a sleeping pill and still watching her cry & moan & scream all night long. The Prilosec didn't work, the drops for cramping didn't work, the benadryl didn't work & even though she obviously needed tubes for her ears, that didn't help her sleep any better. So, her sleep study is Saturday night at 8pm. I'm not exactly looking forward to it... but it should point the way as to what to do next.

If it really IS apnea from her tonsils then I will have to make a horrible decision- surgery or not? In just a few months I'll have a newborn- do I really want to deal with TWO children up all night? But then do I really want to put her through surgery when she's SO little, and it's such high risk?

Aaaaahhh. The joys of being a mother... a mother who gets to discuss whether or not to operate with... herself. (jerk) It's times like this when I hope & pray that in the end of time when all is made right- that the children's jerk father I married will feel all the guilt he should have felt this whole time, will understand the difficult time his little children have had & will realize how hard I had it. Wait- was I ranting about Ella's non-sleep or the one who ruined our lives? hmmm. woops.

Anyway! Ultrasound tomorrow. I think it's definitely either a boy or a girl.

2008-11-16T11:21:00.002-07:00

THANK YOU!!!!! It took me forever & ever to finally get this darn picture on here, but it's here now! November 11 I got home from getting the kids from school & saw a big package on my doorstep. I assumed since Lance's birthday was the next day that maybe someone had ordered something for him, my sister or something. But when I cut the tape off the box & saw what was inside, I stood there frozen. All I could say was "Ohmygosh" over and over.

So, to Sara, Kelly, Michelle & Jennifer... thank you so much. The burden I felt about something so simple as a swing was lifted when I saw that sitting in it's cute little package. I still walk by it, 5 days later, and still feel just as overwhelmed with the generosity. It honestly is crazy to me how having that one thing makes me feel better about having this baby.

This has been the hardest experience of my life, wondering how to provide for 4 kids on my own. I just really, really, really appreciate the thoughtfulness of that gift. The feeling I had of losing my mind when I realized my last swing was gone, was completely replaced by awe. I hope I can do the same for someone else.

2008-11-13T13:10:00.010-07:00

So here's my kiddos. Lance wanted me to take pictures of them for his special birthday poster all about himself for his birthday "circle" at school, . (He's such a sweet kid, he let Harry color all over it & when I said, "Harry, no!" He said, "no mom! He's helping me!" Not many kids would allow their little brother to scribble all over their project like that)

I went to their school to bring cupcakes & frosted cookies, & read to the kids while they ate- we read "Happy Birthday, Thomas" & "Diesel 10 Means Trouble". Lance had on a birthday crown and it was really cute & way too big... I had my camera, but like an idiot I left the battery charging at home on the counter. Ugh!

So then came after school time. I didn't put the pictures in order- first came their dad's visit, then came the rest of family & then cake. So the cake: Of course it had to be Thomas again. Maybe next year he'll discover something new, but for now he's all about Thomas still & fine with me! He was so bashful when we were all singing to him, I could have just squished him! And the joy kids get when they get to blow the candle out... who needs the wish?

Josh got Lance a "real" tool set & Harry got a "real fake" tool set. They had a nice visit. Sucked for me- perhaps the single most awkward experience of my life, & the longest 45 minutes EVER- but they were happy enough. So he left & everyone else came. We had pizza & soda & the sugar/dye filled cupcakes. yay! The event of the day was the worlds largest jeep that their Grandma Vianna got for them. Holy cow, I'm pretty sure I could ride that thing. It BARELY fit through the front door- and it squeezes down the hall. I'm thinking of moving all the furniture against the wall so he can really bust a move until we move.

It was a good day. Maybe at some point Lance will remember all of the "little" things I got him, too. hehehe. No big deal. As long as he had a good time. He sure deserves the best, the kid has had a hard life, especially now. He's had to grow up way too fast- he's my big boy helper & an amazing friend. I hope 6 will be a better year for him.

2008-11-08T20:21:00.002-07:00

So this one was just adorable. Toys all crazy around them, no time to pick them up for a good picture background... but they all parked in front of the TV this morning, all in a row, all squished up next to each other! It was adorable. Thankfully I saw them & bolted for the camera... because after this one, there's like 4 pictures of Ella leaving.

This one, however, was completely staged by them!!! I was helping Harry pull up his pants in the bathroom (of all places) and Ella walked over to the wall & started saying, "Cheeeeeese." So, Lance followed, then Harry. Then I got a "Come on mom, go get the camera!" Of course I couldn't turn that down. So, I don't normally take pictures in the bathroom... but at least there's no toilet in there. They're just too funny.

2008-11-07T15:55:00.002-07:00

Oh, the fun. The endless fun!

Ella cried all night again, not as many pure scream moments, but it definitely lasted all night... until about 6am... you know, right about when I had to start getting up? Yes, then. Because by that point she was tired! The poor thing cried all night, and had to get some rest! So, soundly she slept from 6-7:30am. (I'd gladly exchange 19 month Ella for the 1 month old Ella at this point- she slept way more then). But, thought I, it's okay! I will take her to the doctor! Yes, I will! No. I won't. They're closed on Thursdays, which I knew, but apparently they decided to close today as well. Yay! Now I get to wait until Monday to see about getting Ella a baby sleeping pill. What a joyous weekend this shall be.

So, today I took the car to get the oil changed- something that my almost-ex used to take care of... or so I thought... Yeah, the dude said there was barely any that even came out when he went to change it. I had to sign a waiver before they'd release the car to me. Had to put 5 quarts in. Neato! Of course no oil light came on, so it's a dang good thing I went in today (at the prodding of my mom). Yes, very fun. Luckily, I've been given SO much money lately (hahaha, good one!) so that $50 was super easy to come by. Oh, but one good thing came out of that trip (aside from avoiding the possibility of ruining the engine at any given second)- windshield wipers were on sale. Okay- so maybe that's not the good part. The good part is that mine were changed (it's amazing how I can actually see when I drive in the rain now!)... unfortunately they didn't charge me the sale price. Fun.

Had a nice talk with my mother-in-law for a while. Got to release some stress there. But practically the minute I got back to my parent's house, I got a call from the boys' school. Harry had an "accident". Again. Unfortunately I never brought back his accident clothes from the other day- so he got to linger in wet clothes until I drove the 25 minutes to get him.

So, my luck is definitely improving. Yes. I can tell. It's now all the way up to "but it could have been worse" luck. Things are just all working out for me.

I just wish I could find out why I get slammed with everything. I totally realize that I've done some crappy things in my life. I should have done something about things I knew about back in the day & I didn't. So, does that all of a sudden mean that when I'm one minute happily married & the next struggling singley, that THEN is a good time to punish me for mistakes? Seems like if that's what karma does to me, then "he" should REALLY be in for a rude awakening. But then it doesn't seem like that works that way. Seems like only those of us who actually have a conscience get busted. The jerks who roam about, freely messing up people's lives w/ no care or concern... they just get to keep on keepin' on. It's not so fair. At ALL.

That's why I am petitioning to be put in charge of karma. Okay, I'm definitely not. I'm the LAST person I'd want in charge of ultimate punishment... I'm SO thankful that I'll have nothing to do with that when the time comes! I've actually gotten to this strange point in my life where it would be nice to have some mysterious invisible being whack the legs off the people who mess with other people... but what I really want is for those people to see the big picture & what it's actually affecting. I guess I never realized how much forgiveness I am capable of. I just know how important doing the right things are, and how important family & children are in this life- I wish I could detach my brain for just a few minutes so that all the awful, cheating, homewrecking adulterers could understand the consequence of their actions. But I can't. So, instead, I don't sleep. And it just all works out for me. (psh!)

2008-11-05T16:42:00.002-07:00

So, Ella's definitely not better. I don't know how this sweet faced little girl and be so angelic during the day (I mean, aside from loving "no") and so screamy at night. She's on Prilosec, some sort of other drops that help with stomach cramping & still on ear drops. Doc said that the prilosec would take a good 4 days to help, since it's healing rather than just masking the reflux damage... yeah, that's great and all, but what about the screaming??!!!!!!!! He suggested that after a few weeks (oh brother) that we can try a baby sleeping pill for about a month to see if maybe she just got out of the habit of sleeping. I say- why not get the pill NOW too??! But I understand. I'm not trying to drug her (not really at least, haha), but sleep is this fleeting magical thing that seems so far away. I think by the time she's sleeping again, I'll have forgotten how. Or I'll be far enough in pregnancy to be uncomfortable. Or heck, maybe we'll even have a newborn joining in on the screamfest. Neato! Life just keeps getting better & better.

Yet somehow, on top of everything, the most brain flipping event has been learning that the baby swing didn't make it in the move. How much have I learned in the past 2 months? A lot. And BAD stuff at that. I can barely wrap my brains around it. Yet the dang baby swing made me almost lose it- loony bin lose it- since I know I can't afford another one. 4 kids. No swing. *about to faint*

2008-11-02T10:08:00.002-07:00

Pure frustration.

Ella was up crying all night. Again. I thought she was supposed to get BETTER after the tubes, not worse?????? What the heck is going on! Seriously. This isn't cool. If she's like this tonight again I'll have to take her back to the ENT tomorrow & beg for answers/mercy. I'd take her somewhere right now but I don't trust any Sunday on-call doctors around here, not for what it would cost to take her at least.

I just really need some relief. Something good needs to happen. I'd actually like all good things to happen, but at this point I'm willing to settle for just not having something bad happen everyday.

My mother-in-law... hm... speaking of which, what will I call her when we're divorced??... has offered me a 'job' editing for her again. I'm truly stoked about that. Not just a job, but one that I love. I just hope I can start crazy soon to occupy my mind (and hey, maybe pay some bills since someone else I know isn't??).

2008-11-01T19:28:00.002-06:00

Harry was a little camera shy. (okay, he just refused to be in almost all pictures) But the kids had a good time. Plenty of sugar, and the crabbiness today to prove it! yay! Luckily Ella made it through the night just fine, with just some crusty ear blood... but hey, it was Halloween! Yes, she was just a kitty- so maybe the blood was more along the lines of road kill? Alright, so it wasn't that much.

Ella did sleep from around 8 to 11:30 last night- so she's now UP to the sleeping habits of a newborn. I'll take it! I'm really pulling for a better night tonight, but sleeping more than 2 hours last night was quite nice.

I can feel the baby move now, I mean with my hand. (I've been able to feel the movement for a couple of weeks) Ultrasound is the 20th. Should be interesting. I'm just trying to make it to/through Lance's birthday on the 12th. There's no easy solution as to how to handle that, paternal-wise. Yikes. I'm getting heartburn just thinking about it. (which is uncool cause I've been able to avoid it so far)

2008-10-31T11:47:00.003-06:00

Ella had tubes put in her ears this morning. What a long night that was not being able to have any milk. Yikes. They said it would take from 10-15 minutes... 35 minutes later I knew something was going on. When they finally brought her to me she was crying of course, (not as bad as Harry did when he had his tonsils out, thankfully!) and was just very groggy. The doctor eventually came in & told me that her right ear was filled with puss and her left was full of fluid, so that when he just barely touched them they bled quite a bit. Her left is still oozing blood. I have to give her antibiotic drops for 10 days, he said the average is 5, but hers were quite bad. (as I knew! all the screaming!) Anyway, so at least that's done & hopefully by tomorrow night she'll be able to sleep better.

I didn't even tell her "dad" when the surgery was, nor did he call to ask. I was unsure of whether he'd show up, but of course he didn't- why would he wake up so early in the morning when he has things to do today? (hahaha) I mean, yes, Ella was going to be under general anesthesia, but that would make him so sleep to lose 2 hours of sleep. (It's okay that I haven't slept for more than 2 hours a night total for about 6 weeks) Somehow I decided to text him how it went, but of course I haven't heard back. Really nice.

Bitter? Probably. More sad. I kind of hate that it's Halloween, knowing that he's missing the kids all dressed up & excited... knowing that he doesn't care. Oh well. Time heals all wounds- isn't that what they say? Something like that.

2008-10-26T12:43:00.002-06:00

Here's some pictures finally. The kids' aunt bought them some winter clothes last weekend, which was extremely helpful- so they had to show them off to me before school. And the "vampire teeth" shot, that was was just funny to take. Ella actually had some in for 1/2 a second, but her mouth just isn't big enough- she was really confused at the boys and how theirs would actually stay in place! Thus the staring at them in the picture.
Ella's screaming... better go see what's going on (again)

2008-10-22T12:53:00.002-06:00

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing on here, nothing is specifically new. Ella has an appointment at an ENT next week for her recurring ear infections, but otherwise things are pretty much exactly the same. And by that I mean horrible!

I don't think there's been a single day that has gone by in the past 4 weeks that I haven't found out something extremely bad about my soon to be ex. I just know that somehow I am being made out to be the crazy one, as others were before me. Apparently I should be completely stoic right now, as I find out devastating things. I can't say I specifically care, but it does bother me that it seems like victims like me are generally made to look bad... just like the other "person" that was left is made to look like he was horrible and therefore somehow we deserve this pain.

The stupidest question I've been asked so far, in the past 4 weeks of yuck, came yesterday... by someone I won't name... "Are you happy?!" Ridiculous.

2008-10-11T17:09:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to get on here for 2 seconds to tell everyone who's been sending me "you can do it" messages thank you so much. It's really impressive to me how many people can, if nothing else, sympathize for my kids & I... and how many have actually been through this ridiculous situation themselves.

I am still definitely at the point where it seems that everyday more bad news enters into the picture. I have learned never to say, "It can't get any worse than this" because it always seems to. And I've never really considered myself a pessimistic person! The things I find out everyday about the person I lived with and loved for 7.5 years are mind blowlingly horrendous. The fact that he has seen these kids who he helped diaper, bathe, put to bed, comfort in the night, etc. maybe an hour over the past week? It's something that I still cannot fathom.

Poor little screaming Ella with her double ear infection gets no sympathy from him, no matter how much she cries for him at night, because it's not like he can hear her. Sweet little Harry tells me how stupid his dad is. And Lance, my big boy, full of love and kindness... still thinks his dad is coming home. Breaks my heart, since that's just not the case.

Anyway, thanks again for the support. It definitely gets me through these unmanageably long days.

2008-10-08T21:22:00.002-06:00

Random updates: I got the kids' school pictures today... so cute... as soon as I figure out how to get them on here I will. Ella has a raging double ear infection (again) and I've spent the last 4 nights up with her. It's been a ball of fun! The good news is that I have the internet at home now, so I no longer have to wait until I get to my parents' house.
I've obviously changed the profile on this blog, to reflect what's actually going on. It's just the kids & I. I never, I mean NEVER, thought I'd be the person having to raise 4 kids alone. I guess it's still sinking in. I kind of wish I were 65 and able to just swear off men forever. Who knows, I still may. All I know is that I have to somehow try to teach my boys to treat their future wives better- and to teach Ella to never let a man fool her. How do you do that?

2008-10-01T14:50:00.003-06:00

Here's an update: Nothing has changed.

Everything is still bizarre, frustrating, confusing, outrageously shocking, perplexing, stressful, etc. I still have no answers. Nothing right now makes sense to me, nothing is falling into place, nothing is as it should be.

And yet somehow, in the midst of crap- true crap- I still have hope. Hope for what? I'm not exactly sure. But hope that things will work out. I am not a blameless person for anything in life, but I've been honest always, and when I love I do it all the way. My eye has never wandered, my heart has never wondered if there was someone else better, no matter how stressful things have ever been. It's been a hard year, and I am just hoping for a resolve.

It is very hard taking care of the kids alone, especially being pregnant and under an immense- nearly unbearable- amount of stress... and trying to keep my cool when they're naughty. Even reading a book to them seems like someone asked me to clean 19 toilets. Everything feels like a chore. My patience is falling short.

But the most amazing thing to me are the things the boys say. Harry just told me a few minutes ago, "Mom, I just prayed for Daddy." That's not exactly what I would expect a 3 year old to say, while laying down after barfing at school today. Lance tells me several times a day, "Mom, I feel deep in my heart that Daddy will come home." Yesterday he 'let me know' that he would be home in time for his birthday- which is now 6 weeks away. Is he right? I don't know. But they pray all the time without being asked. Lance told me after school yesterday that every time he did something he stopped to pray for his Daddy, that he would make the right decisions. It makes me sad that he's missing these precious things. Of course, if nothing had ever happened they wouldn't be saying these things... so I guess it's kind of backward thinking.

Anyway, that's it. Nothing new. Just years shaved off my life from this intense ordeal. What would I give to fall asleep for about 3 months and wake up to some answers?

2008-09-23T11:52:00.002-06:00

This is my post to say that life can take a turn at any given second. If you're married, or have a good relationship in any fashion, this is my urge to enjoy every day because you never know when it can end. This is my plea to never take anyone for granted, to never get too comfortable or too complacent. Every relationship needs to be maintained and improved upon, sometimes even daily.

And this is my cynical post to say that I have tried, really tried, to be a good person. I am honest. Although I am flawed in many ways, I can honestly say that I try. I have things to improve upon, as I'm sure everyone does in some way, but I can honestly say that my heart has always been in the right place.

Furthermore, this is my post to waste time since the clock seems to be at an ever slowing pace... minutes feel like hours, and hours creep by at a comatose rate. I cannot say that my heart will ever recover from the feeling I have at this point, having been left behind with no warning by someone I trusted my every feeling to. What I can say is that I want happiness for us both, and most importantly for our kids- including this little tiny person trying desperately to grow through my non-sleep & non-eating.

The conclusion of this post is one to say that I have faith and hope that everything will be as it should. That Heavenly Father hears my billions of prayers and that He will figure things out for me that I unable to do myself.

2008-09-02T09:49:00.003-06:00

Well, it's official. Lance and Harry are officially school kids. They started today, full day preschool for Harry & full day Kindergarten for Lance. Lance cried and grabbed our legs- Harry did the leg grabbing as well, but no tears for him (cute). It took a few minutes for them to settle in before we left. They asked if Ella could stay, we of course said no... but I'm pretty sure she understood them, because she walked over to Josh to hug him and wave 'bye', before walking back to the table to sit down. Slow it down, girl! I can't lose all 3 kids in one day! I just kept having the feeling like I should go back and in tell them about their lunches, and where their juice was in the side pocket of their backpacks, and that I put in an extra sweatshirt, and show Harry where the bathroom is, and remind Lance to watch out for Harry... and about 35 other things that I'm still thinking about.

I don't know how people do this everyday?! I don't know how parents can long & wish for the day their kids leave for school. Do they drive me crazy? Yes, many times a day. But at least they were here and I knew they were okay.

They're going to another Montessori school, and I'm hoping this will be a better experience than the last one (where the teacher didn't care about Lance at all & treated him as if he was an idiot). It does go all the way through High School, which was the biggest draw to it. Right now it takes at least a 1/2 hour to drive to their school, so we're most likely going to be moving to be closer. We saw a house yesterday that was alright- the layout isn't ideal for us (since all the kids couldn't be on the same level), but it may work for a while for us to rent there. I feel like too many things are changing right now.. and it's actually making it harder for me to be in this house, since it's really felt like a house full of disappointment for the past couple of years. So I guess that means another change. Oh well. Maybe it will keep my mind off of so much crap if I have to unpack.

Ella's probably going to have it the hardest right now. She's so used to the boys being here. She's already paced the house a few times yelling their names. Poor little thing, she's got a stress case for a mom and no brothers to help her through it.

... back to freaking out now...

2008-08-22T13:56:00.002-06:00

The world has flipped upside down several different times for us this year... and it has definitely not settled into place yet... and I'm afraid it'll keep tossing us around for whoe knows how much longer.

Two weeks ago, my dad had another stint put in his heart. Then last week, he had a stroke. He's doing remarkably well. He made it within about 10 minutes of having the medicine that basically reversed the stroke (more or less). When it happened, he couldn't talk at all. But by that night he was already back to speaking in sentences, only forgetting a word or two every once in a while.

And no, we're not moving to Indianapolis. We decided it was best to stay here (and by we, I mean that Josh convinced me). Josh sold his patent (for a type of filtration process) to some people. With that, I was going to open a child's store, we were going to buy some land & build a house on it for us and for my parents. That all got flushed down the toilet 2 days ago, when we found out that the attorney made a mistake... intention or not, we don't know... when filing the patent paperwork. So, now comes the struggle. "Giving" the money back (even though it's been pending in our account for almost a month, so we never really had it) and getting the patent back, to then figure out what to do next. So, all plans are on hold or just plain ruined. I doubt we'll come up with the money now to buy the building for my store, and I doubt the land will still be available for us to build on. It's been quite crushing.

Meanwhile, Josh took over management of his mom's store- Vianna's Nature's Path. He's there 6 days a week, getting home just about when it's time for the kids to go to bed. I could probably adapt a lot better to all of this... if we hadn't just found out I'm pregnant. Surprise, surprise, huh? This time all we could do is laugh. Kind of like one more drop in the bucket. I'm just as sick this time as I was with Ella. Oh well. Life moves on... I hope...

That's about all. Or, all I have time for at least. Who knows, I could be on here venting 12 times a day, or I may not get on here for a while. Hopefully next time life won't be such a mess.

2008-08-07T15:26:00.002-06:00

Here's some recent pictures of the kids. It seems like after Harry had his tonsils out a couple of months ago, time disappeared! I've been busy working on my store... and all of that information will also have to come at a later date! Maybe I'll have time to get on here again sometime soon.

2008-04-26T22:12:00.001-06:00

Oh- and this is the evidence of Ella's little owee. Better not scar! Harry's definitely will. That kid scars when you look at him wrong.

2008-04-26T21:51:00.003-06:00

This has been a week of "ouch" in our house.
Last Sunday, Ella fell down the concrete stairs leading out to the garage as we were getting ready to leave for church. Ouch. And a nice way to start the day, I might add. So then Monday morning, Harry was running around the family room & fell into the small trampoline we had sitting out... split his lip open... while I was in the shower... We had to take him to the ER, and he came out with 6 stitches. I sat out with Lance & Ella, and Josh sat with Mr. Brave as he was stitched up. (the first picture is his stitches) Josh said he didn't even cry. Then came today, the day to get the stitches out. Yikes. I thought the going in part would be the worst- wrong! Apparently Harry heals quickly- very quickly. His lip healed within about 2 days, only we didn't know it, and we were told to come back in 5 days. So the poor kid had to sit through the dudes digging out his imbedded stitches. They gave him an "anti-anxiety" pill. He told Josh that he was going to punch the doctor in the face the next time he came in! (the 2nd pic is from today- post stitches) He screamed and fought so hard that he has little red spots all over his face & eyes from the little burst blood vessels. (that's what the last picture is) Poor thing!!

2008-04-19T14:04:00.002-06:00

I'm tired. We're moving again- to Indianapolis, Indiana. Josh got a job offer there. Should be pretty cool. Very short notice, we weren't even really looking into moving. So much for us "staying here forever".

Anyway, the pictures: Ella walking with a shovel (that was before she became confident walking alone- she could walk better holding something heavy... strange...). She started walking, like actually walking and not crawling anymore, around April 12. Then there's Ella splashing herself in the bath, closing her eyes. She's so funny in the bath. Then, my favorite, the boys. I call it "Dipping Stuff in Chocolate". I melted some milk chocolate and let them dip stuff- pretzels, marshmallows, graham crackers. I drew the line at dipping Goldfish. Ew.

2008-04-04T18:21:00.004-06:00

Well, the boys just ended their first week of school and they LOVE it. Harry latched on to his teacher, even over staying with his brother, the first day... but the time day 2 came around he turned around & waved to me with a big ol' smile as I walked away. Everyday Lance says, "I love it, mom!" The only problem is that Lance is a perfectionist and doesn't want to try anything new unless he knows for sure he can do it perfectly the first time. We've already had our first parent/kid night for the kids to show us what they do everyday. I'm stoked about this school! I'm seriously hoping we'll have the $$$ to start Ella when she turns 18 months, because I think it would give her a great advantage to start there young... especially since it's only like 2 hours a day for a couple of days a week.

So rewinding back to Ella's birthday...

2008-03-28T19:17:00.002-06:00

Today was one of those days. Started with being awake all night with Ella- nothing new- but the most frustrating part of her all night crying is that now my body has adjusted to practically zero sleep... so the parts of the night when I wasn't trying to console the crying drama girl I was staring at the clock in anger! uggggghhhh!!!

Then, my only possible way to live & breathe every day with no sleep (aka Mountain Dew) was sitting on the table, which meant it wasn't cold. I mean, I'm addicted and all, but I'm not gonna bust out and drink some nasty warm soday. (sigh) I knew it'd be one of those days by that point.

So, then the kids all had their shots today. Lance & Harry were really behind, so they had to load them up with 5 shots each. Yes, the joy of having 3 crabby, fevery, sore-legged children on the same day is quite something. It is fun to see how the kids are growing, though! Here's the breakdown...

Lance: 68 lbs (99%), 47 1/4" (97%)
Harry: 36 lbs (90%), 39" (90%)
Ella: 22 lbs (60%), 28 1/2" (25%), I forgot her head measurement but it was the 50%

Lance is my little ball of consistency- always at the top of the chart, sometimes off. We were shocked at how much bigger Harry was than we thought, and how much smaller Ella is than we thought!!

Anyway, the boys start at the Montessori school on Monday. Because of the emotional struggle that Lance still has w/ new things/people, etc. we thought it would be best to put them in a situation where Lance & Harry can be in the same class. It's an answer to my prayers. A very expensive answer to my prayers! hahaha. The director thought it would be best to start them late like this so they're ready for the coming school year when Lance will officially start Kindergarten. I'm excited & extremely nervous! I know they'll love it if they just give it a chance! I'm still trying to figure out how life will be having 3 hours without the boys around everyday. Hopefully I can get Ella to switch her nap to the time they're gone so I can have some sort of alone time. Wow. I may even be able to read a book or something! no way!

2008-03-23T14:06:00.004-06:00

Alright, so this won't be in order at all- still haven't put any pictures of Ella's birthday up yet, but since Ella & Harry are sleeping it's a good time to put up Easter stuff from today.

So Happy Easter!

My mom came racing over to take these pictures of us before we went to church this morning. I'm taking pictures for the directory (since there about 10 billion people in the ward now) so we had to be at church about 1/2 hour early. Turned out no one was there, so it was for nothing but at least we tried! Today was the first day Lance went to class alone- a HUGE step for him- so hopefully he'll do it again next week... since he starts school the following Monday at Lighthouse Montessori with Harry (I'm crossing everything on my body that he'll be okay!).

I'm thankful for this special day, REALLY thankful. I've been reading all the scriptures from just before the Crucifixion and it's amazing to me the things that Jesus Christ went through... for us. Happy Easter.

2008-01-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

WOW. Okay, so since I wrote last Harry had his 3rd birthday- adorable. He was running around all day in his Spiderman costume, so Lance hooked up his Mr. Incredible costume from 3 Halloween's ago... squeezed into it I should say! It was hilarious.
Harry & Ella have strep throat & croup, so it's not the best time to be on here but I wanted to get at least a couple of pics up of Harry's birthday. Cute little guy, he's such a ball of cuddles when he's sick.

2008-01-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I debated with myself on whether to creat a new blog just devoted to the redo of the new house, but I decided to stay with this one... lazy maybe? I'll blame it on "not enough time".

So, we started the demolition phase of the new house on New Years day. It was built in 1972 and has housed a chain smoking older man for who knows how long. It. Is. NASTY. It's in a great location, overlooking nothing but farmland. No neighbors per se, just the one to the right & kind of behind us- you can't see them from our house. It's on 2.4 acres.

This is where I interupt to express the yuckiness. Ew. Even if I didn't know that a woman hasn't lived there in about 15 years, I'd guess it. Men simply don't clean (I mean CLEAN clean) with no woman around, or at least to impress. Every surface is disgusting. Oily, greasy, dead bugs/spiders (some un-dead), sticky, moldy. Wallpaper on top of wallpaper on top of paint on top of wood paneling on top of styrofome (yes, you read that correctly) then finally to the sheetrock. Every outlet & lightswitch cover is different. The toilets and bathtubs are blue. It's just gross, plain and simple... and that's without the smell that 1/2 way knocks you out when you walk in. The kind that adheres to your clothing within seconds of being in the house- smoke & old people smell. Ewwwwwwwwww.

Okay, so now we've now stripped down almost everything. Everything is off the ground, the rooms we're redoing are framed, most of the wood paneling is off, a dumpster outside is nearly full, our new cupboards and granite is picked out... and I am having SO much fun!!! I never thought I'd love destroying a house (with gloves on, of course) so much! My parents kindly watched the kids today so Josh and I could demo away for about 4 hours. I'm sore, tired and having a blast.

I'll post pictures when I finally bring my camera. I've got some "before"'s, now I need some "during"'s.

Oh. And my favorite news of the new year- Harry is finally officially potty trained. He'll be 3 on the 27th, so at least he'll be in undies for his big day. yay! Go Harry Go!

2007-12-14T18:08:00.000-07:00

I think I've been sick since before Thanksiving, only with each 'round' it gets worse. This time I couldn't eat or drink (except for a few sips of freezing cold water) for about 6 days. UGGH. That is NOT an easy thing to do with a nursing baby. I got sick last Friday, about 2 hours after taking the kids to the doctor. It got worse & worse, sore throat ("bloody" and "intensely red" according to my doc. yesterday.... days after it began), headache, fever, etc. Every symptom of the flu- but flu free still! I had the test! whoo hoo! I'm sticking to my anti-flu shot theory. It's been about 10 years. Here's to 10 years more!!

Okay, moving on. Here's a pic of Ella from this AM.

It was quite a torture, apparently, for me to take pictures of the kids. Holy cow, man. Okay- not completely true, Harry only complained once, Ella always does well in front of the camera... but Lance. My, my, my. You'd think I was sitting him down for shots. I took about 800 of him, and I got ONE good enough to actually show to the public. All the rest are tantrum filled. My luck is that he takes good pictures and when he finally got pursuaded (by taking things away for the day) I got a good one.

And here is that one picture. Stinker. Doesn't even really look like Lance to me! I just cut his hair last night (w/ my early Christmas present scissors, whoo!) and I put gel in his hair which I normally avoid, so maybe that's it?

I guess Harry thought the candy cane was the most important part of the picture. Cute boy!

And this one is just for fun. Ella got so excited, she grabbed her dress & started snuggling it like it's her blanket. My sweet girly girl's first Christmas. Aaaawwwwww......

2007-11-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Here's Tom. Seriously the most delicious bird I've ever eaten for Thanksgiving. Oh man. So moist. It was our first attempt at it, as someone else has always been in charge of the day. So we watched over our stuffed Tom as if it was our own child... kind of sick, since we wouldn't stick our own child in the oven, but you know what I mean. Josh made the most killer amazing stuffing. MAN, it was good! Mushrooms, sausage, more mushrooms, tiny pieces of onions, peppers & celery.... pure heaven is basically what I'm getting at. I made "the" yams, always requested by Lance, the rolls (a good recipe, already having 'make it again' requests), mashed potatoes (that became potato soup yesterday), orange cranberry sauce & the desserts. We were proud of our "first" thanksgiving!

Chocolate, Chocolate Pecan, Cherry & Pumpkin Cake Roll. The choc. was for me, the choc. pecan for Josh, the Cherry for my dad & the pumpkin roll was for my mom. Of course we could all mix it up, but I thought we'd all need the one dessert we REALLY wanted. Since it also happened to be my parents' 40th anniversary, it was fitting.

It was not only our first thanksgiving to conquer, but it was Ella's real first thanksgiving. She completely dug the potatoes & the yams. It was the first day she called me "Momma" and the first time she made a 'kiss' sound when you say 'kiss!' Quite a day of firsts!

And here's our tree. I love this time of year!

And here's the 40th anniversary smooch. Of course I forced it, but there's still evidence for history!

2007-11-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

My Baby is 5

Lance had his construction themed party on Saturday, the 10th.

I'm totally not the clever scrapbooking type, but here's the invitation to his party... it was the best I could come up with. And at least I remembered to take off my address & phone number before posting it! This is just the one I'll keep for Lance. The ones we gave out asked the kids to wear clothes they didn't mind getting paint on.

We decorated the basement with tons of balloons, used Caution tape instead of streamers, had a cupcake cake topped with bulldozers, gave real hardhats to all of his friends (Josh sprayed "Lance's Bday" on them)... and made a HUGE mess (that, by the way, we still haven't cleaned up)!! The kids started the party with pizza & capri suns. Then it was building houses of marshmallows, gum drops & toothpicks... which led into clay... then painting... presents, cupcakes & a final farewell. It was so cute. I think my week of zero sleep in anticipation of having enough goodie bags, etc. paid off. Lance had a good time and that's all that mattered. I did feel bad for Harry, who kind of got 'neglected' somewhere in the process of trying to make sure all of Lance's friends were taken care of, but he seemed fine afterward.

Sunday, Lance and I put together his model kit of a bulldozer (that we put in the goodie bags for the kids to take home). It was so dang cute watching him paint it afterward.

I figured at church he'd be excited to see his friends, but he wasn't. Still afraid to go to class. They sang to him in Primary, but he didn't want to go up. Monday morning, I said, "Happy Birthday, Lance!" (his actual birthday is 11/12)... he said, "it's not my birthday, mom, I was just pretending it was for my party. I'm going to stay 4." I told him he was already 5 now, and he wasn't a fan of that. He hid when we sang Happy Birthday. He's been expressing his fear of being 5 for a few weeks, I just figured after all of the fun he'd change his mind. Nope. Even today he told me it was better being 4. I don't really understand the fear. Part of the problem now is Harry overhearing him... I told Harry his birthday is in 2 months, and he said, "no!" Uggggggghhhhhh.

I'm still the big, bad mom right now, no matter what I do or say. I could lift this house up with my pinky, drop a penny while lifting it, and Lance would say, "Dad's stronger, he wouldn't drop that penny." He tells Josh all day that he's the best, that I don't do XYZ as well as he does, that Daddy's the smartest, that Mommy's always wrong, etc., the list goes on & on. Yes, I do understand that he is young. But it doesn't make it any less hurtful when I do my best.

Ella turned 8 months the day of Lance's party. She's crawling so well now, standing up on everything, eating anything she can find. She weighs 21.5 lbs, still wakes up about 10-15 times a night and is still very quiet (although she did repeat my "more?" this morning with "mo").

Harry's such a sweet boy. He wants nothing more than to make his big brother "Yance" happy. He told me yesterday that when I was his age I was a person. I'm not sure what that means, but it made me laugh! I can't believe he'll be 3 in 2 months! He's still afraid of the toilet.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm breeding my children with fear. Why have all of them had sleep issues? Afraid of church classes? Afraid of the toilet? Afraid of birthdays?!!!!

2007-11-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it sucks being a mom.

I've always heard that being a mom (parent) is a thankless job. But until recently I haven't minded, since my boys are so good at the 'please' 'thank you' & 'I love you's'... It seems as though the closer Lance comes to turning 5, the more attitude he has. My gentle little boy had his feelings hurt today & decided to take it out on Josh by kicking him in the face. Uh- not normal, not cool. I went in & gave him the look, and he pointed at me & said, "this is all your fault, Mom." It felt like he pierced my heart! I was so stunned I didn't even know what to do or say! I put him in the corner for a few minutes. When he came out he cried & cried & cried some more. The reason?
"I want to live in the same house as Daddy forever."
"Why would you think that you wouldn't live with Daddy?"
"Sometimes he leaves when he has appointments and it makes me sad."
He cried & cried. Then Harry joined in & decided he was sad & that he also needed Daddy. I had to put the lotion their itchy skin (that sometimes stings) and it reinforced the anti-mommy moment.
To the lay person it may sound cute that the boys want their daddy. But to me, today, after a string of crappy days, it just made me sad. First I was the reason for all the 'bad', then neither of my boys wanted anything to do with me. Not even a kiss goodnight from Harry, who completely snubbed me.

I've spent so much time worrying about Lance's birthday party, most of it at night (losing sleep, of course). Sometimes it just seems like my only jobs in life are to give birth, breastfeed, change diapers & clean the house.

I understand that most of mommy-ness is thankless, but moms aren't without feelings. It gets hard to do everything all the time and have those sweet little faces say hurtful things.

Sometimes it sucks being a mom.

2007-10-29T20:48:00.000-06:00

Whoo hoo! Last night Ella's first tooth broke through! yay! It's her bottom right (front), and I am STOKED about it. Girl eats everything anyway- I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize that she's only 7 months. I realized it broke through & then like an hour later she started pulling herself up to the couch where the boys were sitting... stood there... and then landing safely on her well padded tooshy! It was such a 'grow up' day for her. Awww.

Oh, and I've officially been using my eliptical almost everyday. I'm trying! (I'm also ready to throw my scale at the mirror)

2007-10-14T22:03:00.000-06:00

Alrighty- today Ella started crawling officially. She turned 7 months old 4 days ago- so she did beat Harry, who was 7 1/2 months when he started. When she gets it down, she'll be so much happier! She's about 19 lbs; still no teeth.

In other news, we'll be moving... again... to an older property on 2.4 acres. Josh is going to redo the whole thing (it smells like old people & cigarettes- I think the house knows how to light a cigarette, it's so bad). But it's got homey charm, a huge shop & a horse stall attached. We'll close on it Nov 7- we officially put our house in the market tomorrow. (nervous!) We need lots of prayers that our house will sell quickly! I can't do this whole Alaska house thing again, 2 mortgages for a year was deadly!!!

My boys- always doing the same thing

today! crawling! yay!!!

waving after church today (okay, not really)

Lance. turns 5 in 1 month!

2007-08-22T18:02:00.000-06:00

STILL SICK!!!! 11 days later and I still feel sooooooooooo awful. This has got to be the longest cold (or whatever) on record. Man. That's all I wanted to say.

2007-08-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

I just remembered this and had to write it down before I forgot. I think the thing that cracks me up the most about Harry is the way he says things. When it's time for bed he says stuff like, "I'm really sorry Mom, I won't do it again!" as if he's being punished for something! It's so cute. (It reminds me of when Lance was almost 2 and was in the hospital in Alaska and he'd say, "I'm sorry, no mean it!" whenever the nurses came to poke him w/ needles. So sad!) He also says, "I want a candy mom." And if I say 'no', his response is, "I won't get two, though, just one." It's like clockwork! As if I'll say, "OH, I thought you were going to get 2 when you asked, if you only want ONE then okay!"

Lance is addicted to Ice Road Truckers. I think at some point he's going to wonder what all the "beep"ing is about. He also realized somehow that it's funny to say, "You guys like bagels?" and make a circle around his belly button. He busts it out at the most random times!

Oh! And Ella can officially sit now. She'll sit for like 1/2 an hour before she bails, and she never wants to be on her back- she flops right onto her tummy. Oh yes, and how did I forget that she just learned how to YELL when Harry doesn't pay attention to her... sounds like, "BAH!" and he comes right over to talk to her. She is SO in love with him, it's adorable.

All Yankee'd out. (except for momma, which works, since I'm the picture taker)

2007-08-18T21:49:00.000-06:00

I'm waiting for my cold medicine to work so I can sleep without Kleenex shoved into my face, so I figured I'd write really quick. 8 days later and this cold is still kicking me in the tushy region.

Last week we got Ella's ears pierced and I'm SO happy we did it. I thought she'd cry so much more so I was filled with guilt until the actual moment of truth. She barely cried at all. It was like a yelp of "this is uncomfortable how you're holding my head" followed by cooing at the shiny jewelry around her. She's a girl. Anyway, I was crazy paranoid all week because they kind of stick out and I was afraid they'd get caught on something. Somehow one of the buggers fell out this morning! Nothing even happened to pull it or anything! That kinda sucked, especially since she's now sick and I had to mess with her ear, trying to get it in as carefully as possible.

Ella, pre earrings.

Ella, post earrings. (blowing raspberries, as usual) She was 5 months & 1 day old.

That's about all right now. Everyone's sick, except Josh, who has the immune system of Hercules. Looks like I'll be staying home from church again. Now that we've got our new callings in the library I am actually sad to miss it! Plus, I haven't been able to "show off" Ella's little ears yet. Darnit. (haha, I think there's only one person I'd actually point them out to)

2007-07-27T15:04:00.000-06:00

2007-07-27T14:47:00.000-06:00

I took this pic 2 days ago- it cracks me up how Ella's hand is over Lance's shoulder like she's just hangen' w/ the boys. She's all squeeky clean in her robe, and Lance & Harry are still are grimy & funky from outside play.

So, really quick... Lance is 4 years & 8 months old, weighs about 62 lbs & is about 46 inches tall. Size 12 shoes. I keep up w/ his shaved head every couple of weeks. He says things like, "You're not right about that, Mom, Dad is." and "My goodness gracious, Harry, we need a freight car, not a coal car." His favorite song to sing is "I am a Child of God".

Harry is 2 & 1/2 years old exactly today and he weighs 34 lbs and is about 35 inches tall. Size 9 shoes. I'm still patiently waiting for his bowl cut to look like a bowl cut. He says things like, "The bathtub will make my owee's feel better." and "I need up, it's too hot to walk." His favorit song to sing is "I am a Child Eb Gawd." (that's how it sounds, at least)

Ella's 4 & 1/2 months-ish, weighs probably 17 lbs and at last checkup was 24 1/2 inches tall. Still in size 1 shoes... well, so they're a little big! She's still got no hair. She doesn't care what anyone sings as long as they don't scare her when they start to sing it, and as long as she's looked at while they sing it.

2007-07-21T15:37:00.000-06:00

The newest addition to my flower garden... my friend, the dragonfly.

Here's some of my flowers in the front yard- petunias, and you can kind of see some marigolds.

Ella's newest friend, her real first dolly... here she is, kissing away.

Looking at these pictures is the only good thing in this dang day. It's just been one of "those" days. Almost got run off the road by a crazy man in a truck (with the kids, no less), ridiculous headache, the boys are seriously listening impaired, Ella's all constipated again and therefore REALLY happy (sarcasm, sarcasm) and now I find out that I'll be going to church alone... again... tomorrow, to work in the library & try to get Lance to Sunbeams, Harry to Nursery while holding Ella the whole time. Neato. Josh has to work. Again. Neato.

2007-07-17T15:30:00.000-06:00

Dirty Harry on our camping trip. Baby wipes could only take off so much.

Handless in the dirt... 5 minutes into the trip, and filthy.

This is what happens when a 4 year old feeds the cat. What's not pictured is the cat vomit we found an hour later... I guess cats can get excited and overeat, too.

Ella loves her brother.

How amazing are those lips?

My happy, sunburned girl. (I swear she was only outside for like 3 minutes)

Josh and I decided that we're not camping people. I like clean kids. I like showers and toilets and the ability to use my cell phone (I mean, you know, if I actually wanted to) and clean kids... I know I already said that, but I really do. I'm not an anal person (not too much)- I'm cool with kids playing outside and getting normal kid dirty. But man. The overnight camping trip last week was toooooooooooo much. We came home early and gave in to the fact that we're city. I'm not talking NY city, either, I like my space... but city as opposed to complete outdoors. I like day trips outside- beach, fishing- and I like sleeping indoors.

Ella's 16lbs, 4 oz now... 95% buddy! whoo hoo! She turned 4 months (aaaah!!!) and is a little ball of sweetness. Well, except for right this minute- must go feed her!

2007-07-01T22:38:00.000-06:00

How much do I love this little girl?

When I look at this picture, I feel such intense emotions. I now know how people can get the 'baby fever'... hunger for a baby even when they still have young ones. I am amazed that, even though I didn't expect Ella, I can love her SO much so soon. I love my boys, of course, but there is something special about this little girl who smiles the most wonderful smiles. She says so much with one look. She saved her first official laugh for Lance. I'm just not sure if she could possibly be more precious. I am already almost sad that she's growing so fast, and yet she makes me feel so good everyday that she forces me to accept her as a growing little person.

Her itty bitty feet haven't grown at all yet! I bought her a pair of size 1 shoes yesterday... and they're too big! On July 10, she'll be 4 months old. My goodness! What a little girly girl!

2007-06-22T16:06:00.000-06:00

Checking out the B17. A dude there with us served in WWII and did 48 missions. It was amazing to see the plane with someone who nearly died in one... 48 times.

There's my naked bootied girl. 6/21/07

Goofy kids after church. Well... goofy kids after some church. Power went out and they sent us home after the sacrament!

Happy little pumpkin.

One of the non-diaper days. (don't look at the weeds. I said don't look!)

"Mom, I think I like fishing."

Momma & Ella. My job on the fishing trip.

Talking.

2007-06-22T15:29:00.000-06:00

I'm seriously not so good at keeping up w/ this.

Ella's a big ball of drool these days. Between the drool and the reflux, 3 or 4 outfits a day, easily. I mean, for both of us. 3 or 4 each. Okay, so maybe that's not true. Change of outfits for her- walking around with large white crusted spots on my clothes. But I SHOULD change 3 or 4 times a day. haha. She's got a cold right now, thanks to big brother Harry. Sucks. She found her hands the other day, and has been sucking her fingers to sleep a lot. It's SO cute I can hardly stand how cute it is.

She still wakes up about 6-7 times a night, but I imagine after she gets past this awful refllux, she should be feeling better. Her medicine is only covered once a month by insurance (ridiculous!) so I have to wait until the 26th to get more. Oh, did I mention it only lasted 1 week?

Harry's sick, like I said. He just got another molar, one more to go. I figure, when he gets his last tooth, it'll be time for Ella to sprout hers. Oh, how I love teething!! Then maybe when she gets hers, Lance will be losing his? "The circle of life...." Anyway, Harry's kind of a stinker these days. Josh has been gone for 12 days, and will be back on July 3rd. I suppose that's been a big part of it. Last night I tried to get him to sleep for 3 hours. 7:30-10:30. And he still woke up an hour later telling me he had a poop. He didn't. He's just got poop on the brain w/ the potty training scenario. Which, by the way, not going so well. I was stoked when he woke up last week and wanted to wear big boy undies like "Lancey"

and did so well for 2 days, no diapers, even to
bed. But something changed the fun toilet into a

bootie eating monster or something. Now he

just freaks out every time he pees and I have to

change his diapers every 27 seconds.

I'm trying to grow his hair out for a good old fashioned bowl cut. We'll see how long I make it before I give up and shave it off.

Aside from just missing Josh and wanting him to come home, Harry is my main reason for needing some help these days. He's a pretty high maintenance kiddo right now. But man, his laugh is more contagious than the flu.

Lance is Lance. He's my big boy helper. I can't believe he'll be 5 in November. Dang. He all of a sudden thinks he calls all the shots now. He goes & turns on the water outside and tells me 10 minutes later. He let my neighbors in the house when I was naked in the shower. Kind of frustrating. Pretty sure it's my fault, though. I told him I'd need his help while Daddy's gone.

Guess next time I'll be more specific about what kind of help I'll need.

2007-04-20T12:16:00.000-06:00

The kids & me outside the Temple, Josh & me (& Harry) cutting our cake, the 5 of us w/ my parents, Lance busting a peek-a-boo at the zoo & the kids shoes lined up.

2007-04-20T12:10:00.000-06:00

The boys giving sister love, & Ella in the bath 4/17

Us at the Temple & my angels in white

4/13

2007-04-20T12:08:00.000-06:00

Easter Ella

2007-04-20T12:05:00.000-06:00

Here's my 3 angels... taken just before Easter

2007-04-20T11:48:00.000-06:00

Wow. Okay, so it's been a while. Ella June was born March 10 at 7:34pm, weighing in at a whopping 5lbs 10oz and measured a huge 18 inches. (sarcasm, sarcasm) I can't believe that it's already been 6 weeks. What! Her 9 day hospital stay still seems so recent and traumatizing, although I guess that's fading.
As if her birth wasn't a big enough surprise of the year- the 5 of us got sealed in the Idaho Falls Temple last Friday, April 13, 2007. It was an amazing day. It still makes me emotional to think of the first time I saw Lance & Harry dressed in white walking into the room, and Ella was a little bundle in her long white dress. Talk about joy. Oh, and Josh looked pretty good, too... hehe.

We measured everyone 2 days ago. Lance is 47 inches tall, 60 lbs. He's a walking brick. Harry is 33 1/2 inches tall and 30 lbs. He loves to tackle Lance from behind... blissfully unaware that at any given point Lance could toss him across the room, should he realize his strength. Ella is 22 inches now and weighs about 9 lbs. She's growing! I think 4 inches in a over a month is pretty dang good!

Josh was diagnosed with myotonic dystrophy about 2 months ago, and he's getting a lot of help from Dilantin, the anti-seizure med he's on. We're still kind of unemployed, kind of. We're still waiting on the loan to come through from the bank so Josh can finalize the paperwork for buying the 100+ acres in Rigby for the subdivision he's created. That will be... well, NICE! to finally have money again. He had to stop working back in November because of his weird body stuff. I think all will work out, I really do, it's just taking a whole heck of a lot longer than anyone anticipated. I had no idea that it would be this much work to buy land! It's like 25 times worse than buying a house!
Oh dear- little Ella is squirming... better start walking with her before she starts up her afternoon cry session!

2007-01-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

You know, I'll never understand pregnancy. I think I could have 25 children and never get it. Why... WHY... why is it that I am so tired all day and night, and yet it's impossible to sleep? Why is that?
Anyway. I guess I haven't said on here yet that we're having a girl! Her name is Ella June, and right at this very second I'm worried about her. I never feel any kind of movement above my belly button and at this point w/ the boys I felt it all the time. I'm kind of panicked that she's got something wrong w/ her legs or something, since we know she's head down. If I still feel this way on Monday I'm calling the doc. I would love to say, "I'm sure it's fine, I'm just worried" but I really am stressed about it.
Otherwise, the boys are going through this really weird, hyper stage. Especially Harry. No, especially Lance. I don't know. Both. No wait, I know... Lance is going through this weird hyper thing, Harry is going through this terrible non-listening thing. He's definitely almost 2. I don't know what Lance's deal is. He's always been my calm one. I guess it's being 4.
The basement is now liveable, and that's nice, but it has added a new stress to my life. Now every noise I hear I SWEAR it's Harry falling down the stairs. I never really worried about it before w/ Lance, but after hearing Harry tumble down an entire flight of stairs before he even turned 1 has left a permanent trauma in my mind. He was fine then, really only cried because I tripped out, so I'm sure he'd be fine now... but still.
Josh is busy w/ his new business and that's great- for him. I'm just really at the point of needing help, feeling overwhelmed, and definitely feeling like that feeling will never go away. All I can think of is what I won't be able to do w/ 3 kids since the boys already keep me pretty well occupied.
I just kind of wish I could snap my fingers and have little Ella so I can get past this weirdness that I'm feeling.

2006-10-15T14:08:00.000-06:00

Here's another one of the boys. Harry always finds a way to add his little "touch" to pictures.

2006-10-15T14:06:00.000-06:00

Here's Lance & Harry, taken on 10/12.

2006-10-15T13:57:00.000-06:00

Now that I'm not incredibly sick anymore, I feel fat constantly. I don't think I'm eating a lot, just normally, but for so long I got used to the "hungry" feeling because everything sounded so disgusting- and even if it sounded good, it usually didn't feel so good after it was swallowed. I'm extremely frustrated. I wish I was one of those people who just had a growing belly, but no, I feel like I'm puffing up all over the place. UGGGGGHHHH. I am struggling so much this time! I just want to feel happy and "glowy" and happy... and happy... and happy.... It's so hard, right when I feel like, "wow! I'm acting normal today!" I get smacked with a day like today. Crazy bad headache, flu-like feeling, craaaaazzzy tired.
Josh is in Utah for another several days, fixing my aunts house up to be sold. I think it just makes me feel worse knowing that I can't just say, "Watch the kids, I'm taking a nap." How do people do this over and over? How do people have 10 kids? or even 3!

2006-09-28T14:29:00.000-06:00

I'm starting to feel better, little by little, each day. Yesterday was the first time I've gone to the store by myself (well, w/ Harry) in months. It was nice to feel like I had some more control, but man was it tiring. Lance was w/ my parents and I brought Harry w/ me- which I've never done! So odd, he turned 20 months yesterday and yet it was the first time we'd gone somewhere alone. When I take both boys places it's like monster fest, they are all over the place, one or both screaming & crying w/in minutes... uggh... I gave up on doing that alone anymore. But Harry was a joy! Usually I have to hold him the whole time, but he was nothing but a pleasure. Lance and I go to the store alone a lot (well, normally) and he's always an angel by himself. I guess the two of them in a store creates some sort of explosive chemistry.
And now I'm wondering what I'll do with a 3rd little person. (sounds like I'm talking about a midget) Holy cow. How do people do it? I'm just praying for a baby like Lance was. Is it possible to get that lucky twice? It wasn't even that Harry was hard, it's just that he's more high maintenance- likes to be held more, liked to be nursed more, in general wants me over anyone else. (AKA exactly what I wanted before he was born... I just didn't realize the amount of work it would be!)
Josh went to UT yesterday and checked out my aunt Adair's house to fix it up before she sells it. I think it's great that he's going to do all this work for her. He's kind of adopted her as his aunt, too. I'm not looking forward to him being down there working for however long it takes, but it's worth it for them.
Starting to feel sick. Again.

2006-09-19T14:07:00.000-06:00

So much for keeping up w/ this blog!!! Found out I'm pregnant, and am 12 weeks now. I've been sick- really sick- on home IV's and I've got this Zofran pouch attached to my hip, giving me 24 hour a day drugs subcutaneously. It helps, it just gives welts and hurts, and I've got to change it every 5 days... which I always dread.
We're all settled into the new house, which is thrilling! We moved in June 16th and have loved this house completely. We're planning on finishing the basement as soon as we refinance. We'll get the VA back when the Alaska house sells... closing date... tomorrow!!!! September 20!!! yay!!!! It'll save us almost $1,000 a month to refinance. Nice.
All is well, outside of morning sickness and kid sickness. Josh is planning on leaving Nature's Path in January to pursue house-flipping with Willie (the builder of our beautiful house). I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure it'll be great.
More later... HOPEFULLY!

2006-01-01T16:25:00.000-07:00

A new year! Wow. It's odd to think of a new year, and even more odd to think that we're no longer in the year that Harry was born. Hopefully this year will bring more sleep for me (and Harry, of course) and much less stress. Like everyone else world I'm going to try to go to the gym more. Harry starts the year with 4 teeth, Lance starts it saying, "I love you, I'm so proud of you" all the time, Josh started the day sick & generally busy at work, and I start it still 25 pounds heavier than I'd like to be. So here's me typing 2006 for the first time, and now I gotta get back to Harry who's crying, crying, crying right now.

2005-11-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

I definitely haven't been so good at keeping up this blogging stuff. Harry popped out his first tooth last week, and the second one is trying to peek through- but he's got gums made of steel and those teeth are REALLY taking their time coming through.
Lance was Mr. Incredible for Halloween- and man did he look the part! He already has this cute little buff body, and add this muscle suit on top of that... hilarious. Wish I could have convinced him to keep on the mask. Harry was a bee, and a cute bee at that. He wasn't so thrilled about the hood, but hey- Halloween's only once a year.
Uh- oh, we got a hot tub today! Josh has been working all day trying to figure it all out. His mom actually gave us hers and hooked herself up with a hot new model... good news for us, definitely! The kids love it, too.
Lance turns 3 next Saturday and I'm pretty sure he thinks that he'll get EVERYthing for it. He asks for stuff at the stores and I say, "Wait for your birthday." Maybe I should have thought that through.

2005-09-30T21:02:00.000-06:00

I realized that I never explained the "familyvonopfar" URL.... Just a good ol' fashioned reference to my favorite movie ever ever ever- The Sound of Music- and the "family von Trapp". Hehe.
I am shocked everyday at the changes in Lance & Harry. Harry does his vocal exploring when he thinks no one is listening- stage fright? Earlier he said "up" when I wasn't looking, and of course any attempt to procure another "up" only made me sound like a broken record. He stood alone for about 5 seconds yesterday which shocked me. I think he'll be walking at 10 or 11 months- sooner than later if it's up to him. I could easily do with him walking in another 6 months... I still feel like he was just born!! Doesn't hurt that his little toothless smile still has that "I'm a baby" charm. But I am starting to realize that although I never had to "baby-proof" for Lance... Harry is giving me a run for my money. I've fished out stickers, wrappers, cardboard, Lance's chicken and a long, thing piece of wood (picture a sliver under a microscope) out of his mouth in the past 4 days.
Josh has a seminar next week in CA, and I'm actually not so thrilled about that. Lance still won't sleep alone, and Heaven knows that Harry won't... so it's going to be 5 days of LONG nights and a FULL bed. I'm glad that Josh'll be doing what he loves, I just wish I could be there, too.
Lance's phrases of the week, "I'm really so so sorry", "Wait! I have a special surprise for you!" & "Harry don't touch that RIGHT NOW!"
As for me- I've never felt so unaccomplished. Nothing is ever done! No matter how many times I clean the toy room, kitchen, family room, bedrooms... they never stay clean until the day ends. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hear someone telling me, "That's what Motherhood is!" But danget, what if I don't want it to be that way!

2005-09-25T14:03:00.000-06:00

We're in the new house now. I'm really liking the stairs as it's getting my bum in shape quicker than it would have been before. I think just this past week I've stopped having sore legs at the end of the night. Adaptation is a great thing. I've even been pretty good at not stocking up on things to bring downstairs to the main living area (like diapers or food) so that I have to run upstairs if I need anything.
Harry is off and going now, crawling like a pro. Still... no.... teeth.... and nights are getting harder and harder as he's up crying all the time. He said "Hi Dad" about a week ago, about 4-5 times and then decided that was enough and hasn't said it since (nor has he said to Josh!) Lance has escalated his small pushes and toy stealing- up to rolling on Harry when he's on the ground (no matter how fast I am!) and yelling things like, "No Harry! You don't do that! You're too loud!"
Otherwise things are things. Not much else is going on. Josh has 3 seminars this coming month that will take him away for as many weekends, and I'm not so thrilled about that.
Uh-oh, hungry baby calling. More later!

2005-08-27T20:23:00.000-06:00

It looks like this is our last weekend in this house. I'm not so thrilled about moving... again... but I'm sure once we're there and established, it'll be great. More space. More space is always good.

Harry is 7 months old today, and about 1/2 an inch away from crawling like a free man. He's been testing the waters now for about 2 weeks or so. Still no teeth- and at this point there doesn't seem to be a tooth in sight. Not so great, since food is QUITE appealing to him, and because he keeps me up all night.
Days right now are filled more and more with "Stop pushing over Harry, Lance!" and "Stop taking the baby's toys away, Lance!" It was to be expected, I suppose, but I did have hopes that we'd bypass that phase. They both are such good kids, though I still have to remind myself that they're my kids.

I don't even remember what book I was reading last time I wrote- I think it was the 100 Secret Senses. I've since finished that one, and will finish "The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver, tomorrow. I'm so glad that I've found time to read this summer (even if it is because I have to hold Harry during his naps since he refuses to sleep on his own).

Josh is still working hard. He's adding on seminars all the time for this coming "school" year. California, Alaska, Texas, Minnesota, Australia and he's trying to figure out when to push North Carolina into the crazy year's schedule... allowing, of course, time for 3 weeks in Hawaii in April.

Harry is crying and ready for bed, so now I'm off!

2005-08-11T21:06:00.000-06:00

Well, today Lance had another surgery. This time it was to remove a piece of Nerf basketball from his sinus cavity... that we imagine has been there for about 4 months plus. He did well. We were so worried- SO worried- about his trauma from the last hospital experience. But he did so well!! They gave him a sedative before the gas (before the general anasthesia) and Josh said that he kept saying, "Wow, it's so beautiful!!" about everything... over and over! We've got the souvenire in the freezer (so it won't grow anymore bacteria) to show friends and family (haha). The doctor's final words to us were, "Oh, and don't open that container unless you want the stench of a lifetime." We pretty much believe him.

2005-08-07T12:03:00.000-06:00

I figured I'd have more time to write as time progressed, but it's definitely been quite the opposite. Harry wants to be held all the time- it's amazing to me that he's doing the "pre-crawl" lean onto one knee, since he's hardly ever on the ground now!
The boys both got sick this week, on the same day, so that was Harry's first official sickness. Ironically, I had just told my dad that Harry was just about exactly Lance's age to the day when Lance had to be taken to the ER for his severe dehydration. That night Harry got a high fever. The next day Lance was throwing up w/ a high fever. Next time, when I realize that Harry is the age that Lance once was when something happened... I'll just keep my mouth shut.
Harry is still teething like crazy. But no sign of teeth yet.
Lance is completely enthralled w/ Thomas the Train ANYthing. Great for him, old for me.
Josh is crazy busy at work. He's now working 7-5pm Mon-Thurs so he can have Friday for his own appointments or whatever extra 'stuff' needs to be done.
We decided that we're moving again on the first of August into a bigger house until we can build our house. We've decided it's best for us to buy chunks of the house at a time- we'll buy the land first, and then do the house piece by piece. That way, we'll own the house when we move in. It'll take a couple of years, but I think it'll be fine.
Right now, Harry is standing up against the coffee table, supported by Josh, but it's hilarious to see his little/big body standing already. My little 6 month old baby wants to be big.

2005-07-30T14:43:00.000-06:00

Well, I finished "The Good Earth" on Thursday- well worth the read. Still in Chinese-mode, I'm reading "The Hundred Secret Senses" (Amy Tan) now. It's cracking me up.
We got the boys' pictures taken on Thursday. It was... an experience. Well worth it, of course, but man was that a job trying to get them both to have the "perfect" pictures. I can't wait to get them now!!
Not a whole lot is going on, otherwise. Harry is starting to clap like a champion now, and he really wants to crawl. Sometimes I can see him chewing out his hands because they don't do exactly what he wants.
Oh yeah. Josh met with the builder of the house/land we'll soon be buying so we drove up to see it. Beautiful view of the city!! I guess we're supposed to look at plans this week. yay!

2005-07-23T13:53:00.000-06:00

Lance has officially realized that he now has competition for his toys. Makes for some interesting days now.
Harry started clapping his hands 3 days ago, although he's come to an understanding that it's much faster to get attention when he screams. Loudly. High-pitched. High-pitched and loud. And a LOT of it.
This morning I finished Amy Tan's "The Bonesetter's Daughter". I started it just about exactly a year ago. There hasn't been a whole lot of reading time this year- or was that obvious by the amount of time to finish one book? I started "The Good Earth" (Pearl S. Buck) today. I felt in need of another book, and there's only so much of a selection at WalMart (which is about the only place I go outside of home these days, since I can see it from my backyard, and since Harry only stays happy on outtings for about 20 minutes). I spotted the cover, and since I'm still kind of in 'Chinese mode' from Amy Tan, I figured I'd give it a whirl. Then I noticed that it's on Oprah's book club thing- and that gave me mixed feelings about it. Guess I'll see for myself.

Josh has been busy with work. There is much to do and, since he feels like he's come in to rescue his mom, he works all the time. He doesn't think I've caught on yet that when he starts biting his fingers that he's in 'work mode'. I try to limit actual conversation time to a bare minimum during those times, although sometimes it's fun to test it. It's like when Lucy tries to talk to Ricky through the morning paper, and she'll throw in something like, "I bought a $500 dress yesterday" just to see if he's listening. I knew I liked that show for a reason.

2005-07-20T11:28:00.000-06:00

Last night Harry pushed himself up from laying down all the way up to sitting straight up. I have no idea if that's early or late or right on time or what, as far as the 'norm' goes, but it was shocking to me! Today Lance said, "We have to go to the store now. Need to get a special present for me. Go get your shoes on." It was almost hard to say no, he was so determined.

2005-07-19T19:58:00.000-06:00

So here's our first official "post". I've got just a few minutes to do this right now, but I thought I'd start this off with a picture of each of the boys. Both pics are from the 4th of July weekend- when Harry had his baby's blessing.
We just bought the new Baby Einstein DVD- Wordsworth. Josh stuck the boys on the couch to see if Harry will like it or not. Lance is our TV watcher, Harry'd rather watch Lance. We've now been in Idaho Falls for about a month & a 1/2, so this is officially the longest we've gone without "actual" TV. We just watch movies when we want something on. Normally it's some sort of Thomas the Train that repeats over and over (and over) all day, at low volume. More of just a comfort thing in the background, I guess. I like being able to control what is seen that way.
Lance is thoroughly enjoying this DVD- cracking up actually- and it's cute to hear him repeat all the words. Harry's not so thrilled. He sits up so well now that we have to practically lay him down in the couch crevice or he'll throw himself forward to get to a toy he spots.
For the quick spec's- Lance is now about 45 lbs, about 41 inches tall. Harry's about 24 lbs, about 28 inches (from our quick measurements).
I'm being summoned by a very sad Harry cry, so this is it for post #1. More to come!

2005-07-19T19:52:00.000-06:00

Lance just opened his new toy, "Harold the Helicopter" (from Thomas the Train, of course)

2005-07-19T19:49:00.000-06:00

Harry at 5 months